I have a Twitch channel now. Well, I’ve had one for a long time, but I’ve been streaming more often lately. I publish a link to my channel on my Twitter every time I start broadcasting, but that seems shallow and annoying to the few people who follow me. Also it seems spammy if I ever accidentally have to turn my cast on and off again.
I’m not very good at video games, of course, and nobody watches the channel. This isn’t a complaint on my part; I kind of understand, I play games that aren’t terribly interesting to watch. Most people don’t really care about games like Dungeons of Dredmor or The Binding of Isaac, although there is apparently a really robust speedrunning community for the latter. I guess people would care about Dota 2 if this year’s The International is any indication, but it’s not like I’m a professional Dota player.
I’m doing this to try to combat depression. I always feel better if I’m DOING something instead of just sitting and moping around, even if that something is playing video games for a bunch of anonymous people on the Internet. Also, I find it harder to actually be sad when I’m performing for people or when I’m being recorded. If that sounds shallow and narcissistic, that’s probably because it is. Unfortunately, it also works. The less I actually feel sad, the more used to good feelings I get and the more open to happiness I’ll be.
One of the major issues of depression is the tendency to earnestly believe that one shouldn’t be happy, or that one doesn’t deserve to have good things happen to them. For me, I understand in my head that it’s okay for good things to happen to me but it’s very difficult to internalize this knowledge. It’s frustrating to say to myself “Hey, this is pretty great” and still have the physical feeling of “Everything sucks” in my chest. That physical feeling ends up causing negative associations with positive events, and it becomes a vicious cycle of bad reactions to good events. With streaming, alongside my development and freelance work, I’m hoping to reinforce the idea that I can definitely be happy doing what I love to do.